The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.
Well to be honest the past couple of meets have been highly disappointing for me following my PR performance at Fresno State. Many factors play into each of those competitions and the performances that ensued, but overall I have felt a lack of confidence, especially in my run-up. Mentality plays a huge factor in this sport. I haven’t quite figured out the key to consistency in this area yet, but I am determined to learn from each experience; every mistake and every victory.
God has been so faithful in showing me more about myself, and along with that, more about Himself during this entire process. Last weekend He showed me that it is okay to cry. My hardwiring as an individual is deeply integrated with emotion. Sometimes I look at it with disdain, thinking emotion (especially sadness) is a form of weakness or something to be embarrassed about. I’m a pretty easy person to read when it comes to what I am feeling, which is probably why I am not a very good poker player. So I think to myself “you need to be more like so-and-so…” or “get yourself together, so-and so would never do that and you would be better if you acted or competed in this way or that…” But God did not make a mistake when He created me, so the question begs to ask: “Why?”
Why was I created this way, and then placed in these specific circumstances? And for that I do not have a definite answer. One thing He has shown me is that my emotion shows the amount of effort and desire I put into training. When feeling crushed by defeat, I know that the loss struck deep because the energy put into training for that moment was great. When elated by victory, I know the clearance means so much more because of the commitment put into each practice session. And I know that people need the freedom to “feel”. Sometimes it just takes one person to be vulnerable to give others the liberty to follow suit.
Not everyone is wired the way I am, but for those of you who are, I challenge you to not be scared or ashamed of showing your true emotion. There is freedom when you do. God does not make mistakes when creating, so embrace the qualities He has instilled in you. And for those of you who are wired solid as a rock, I thank you for your constant stability… just remember to give me grace as I process through.